Thursday, 27 December 2018

My top five terrible Christmas films 2018

I'm writing this in that weird bit between Christmas and New Year when you're essentially made out of Quality Street, wine and cheese and you haven't moved further than the fridge for what feels like weeks. HAPPY DAYS. Obviously during this time you need much entertainment in TV format, and whilst the scheduled shows are always great this time of year (I personally am watching Poirot, although I can't take Ron Weasley seriously as a mean old cop - and World's Strongest Man starts tonight which is a highlight of my TV year - anyway...) it is always good to put on a film to fall asleep to with a cup of tea and mince pie around 3pm, isn't it? Yes, yes it is. 


And personally my favourite kind of film at this time of year is a Terrible Christmas Film. By that I mean a made for TV film - Hallmark used to be the gold standard, but honestly Netflix have released some absolute shockers this year- in which two people fall in love and somehow learn the meaning of Christmas at the same time. Usually a bakery is involved. Unsure why. My

So if you would also like to undergo the pleasure/pain, I have done a little round up  - in reverse order - of my top five favourite terrible Christmas films from the (some would say excessive) selection I have watched this year. There are some spoilers but believe me when I say this really doesn't matter, as none of the plots make sense anyway. I really do recommend you watch them all - it's what Baby Jesus and Santa would have wanted...



5. A Christmas Wedding Planner (Netflix)
I can't decide if this is the best or worst film on my list - it's kind of both - but I've decided it needs to come last, because there is actually absolutely no reason why this is a Christmas film at all; it just happens to be set at Christmas and there are like, some Christmas trees and stuff. They don't even reference the Christmas spirit! It could just be called The Wedding Planner, if that wasn't plagiarising a much better movie (I haven't seen The Wedding Planner. But it can't be worse than this). 
This film is about what would happen if your cousin was getting married and you decided to plan her wedding, and then thought 'her fiancé seems dodgy, I should probably just hire her ex boyfriend to look into him.' It doesn't get more sensible from there. It does, of course, include a baker - the person who is baking their wedding cake gives them a baking lesson right before the wedding (and who doesn't want a baking lesson right before their wedding?) 
Also, the main character from the film weirdly texts herself bits of the plot, presumably because the plot is so loopy that literally writing it out on the screen is the only way to make it make sense?

4. Merry Kissmas 
This one is a pretty standard nothingy film and maybe it wouldn't have made my list, but for two things: 
1. It has ALL the main cliché tropes of a Christmas film you could ever imagine
2. It also has a magic elevator. 
In it, a woman randomly finds herself kissing a stranger in her lift, even though she is engaged. This, we later understand, is not because she is, like, a bit easy - it's because the LIFT IS MAGIC. 
The stranger she kisses is a cute baker who wears cosy jumpers - check. He needs her to help him adopt a cute puppy (seriously) - check. Her fiancé is a comically evil workaholic artist who you can't imagine why she might've started dating in the first place-  check. 
Did I mention there's a magic lift? 

3. A Christmas Prince (Netflix)
I genuinely believe this film was made by somebody who was meant to write a film but forgot, so picked some scenes from other films at random and then hopefully tacked them together and handed it in just in time for the deadline. 
In it, a beautiful-but-poor aspiring journalist is sent to spy on the Prince of Aldovia, which is a fictional land presumably close to the Princess Diaries kingdom of Genovia, but not close enough to be libellous. The Prince - who was also in several other Christmas movies I watched this year - has a little disabled sister, taken straight from the plot of Heidi, and the journalist pretends to be her tutor - the real tutor never turns up, for reasons never explained. The Prince turns out to be adopted, which means he can't be King. They go sledging. For no reason at all, the journalist steals a horse, rides into the forest and falls off, whereupon the Prince has to rescue her from some wolves in a scene literally lifted from Beauty and the Beast
Have I lost you yet? 
The Prince finds out the journalist is spying on him and is, understandably, not here for it. She finds an old rule in a Christmas tree decoration hidden by the old King that means it doesn't matter the Prince was adopted (it's Christmas remember! Which is lucky, because otherwise that decoration would've been in the attic - maybe the King knew he would die at Christmas). 
The journalist refuses to be mean in her article about the Prince, quits her job, becomes a freelancer and sets up a blog about him. He thinks this is romantic and not creepy. He somehow finds out which diner her Dad works in even though she never mentioned her Dad owning a diner, and turns up there on New Year's Eve assuming she will be working. She also thinks this is romantic and not creepy. They get engaged even though they have only met twice. There isn't a wedding, even though the picture advertising the film is of them getting married, so maybe that scene was just literally from another film - who knows?

2. A Christmas Inheritance 
Because what is the true meaning of Christmas, if it isn't 'working out how to scam Dad out of his business?' 
A spoilt party girl (you know she is spoilt because she gets a bus confused with an airplane - genuinely) wants to show her Dad she is sensible enough to run his gift company (she isn't). Her Dad, presumably just wanting her out of his hair for a bit, tells her the only way to gain his respect is to go to a small town in the middle of nowhere and deliver a letter. I mean, it's pretty low standards, isn't it - delivering a letter - but there we are. (And she fails). 
This one is great because there is a big blizzard, and she helps a homeless man, there's a wise old woman, a dead mom, a betrayal AND an evil fiancé... and there's also a completely mental scene where the love interest/inn owner shows her a child's drawing of a goblin he did and she reacts as though its a new Monet. 
Fully recommend. 

1. A Snow Globe Christmas
I cannot do justice to this film and I don't want to ruin it for you so I will keep it short. This is about a bitchy, bossy film exec who hates Christmas. To show how much she hates Christmas, she tries to break a snow globe on the floor (naturally) but it bounces up and hits her on the head, knocks her out, and she wakes up IN the snow globe. In snow globe land, she is married to Turk from Scrubs (who wears lumberjack shirts and says 'BABYYYY' a lot) and there is a wise old man and they have to save the town by putting on a nativity play.
I cried at the end. You're welcome. 

As Netflix would say - are you still watching? Merry Christmas from me, and goodnight!

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2 comments

  1. Please tell me that at least one of these movies has a scene where the heroine is being taught how to ice skate by the ruggedly handsome, charmingly reserved, flannel-shirt-wearing, bakery owner. And she amazingly learns how to skate in five minutes flat and the scene ends with them sitting by a campfire, drinking hot chocolate, and eating cupcakes from his bakery while adorable small children skate past. I think I might be too invested in this blog post. I read it three times and it made me laugh more every time.

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  2. Haha I saw all of these listed on Netflix and had my suspicions about how good they would be! I watched Better Watch Out which is a creepy take on Home Alone in places! x

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