Wednesday, 12 December 2018

My new rules of posh

If you haven’t read Tatler recently (and honestly, who has?) you might not know that in a continuing effort to be the most baffling irrelevant publication still in existence they published an article last week entitled ‘The new rules of posh.’  

Within it, the self-titled ‘style bible’ (whatever that means) listed the things that are no longer considered ‘posh’ – which includes iPads, wearing make up outside London and using mouthwash – along with the things that are. Things you need in order to be considered posh now include having a job (okay good), flying easyJet (bit odd but okay), Xanax (hang on a second) and – really, I am not making this up – having gout.

Gout – you know! That unpleasant inflammatory disease that causes a rash and painful joints! It is the illness Henry VIII died of, which is presumably what Tatler were alluding to, conveniently ignoring that it’s relatively easy to get fat and drink too much these days without cracking open the champagne and killing the fatted goose to do it.

So far, so absolutely mental, but it got me thinking about what I think you need to be considered posh. When I was at school this was relatively easy, because all you needed was to have a slightly nicer than average house or a fancy school bag and you’d be called a posh wanker, but I feel things have moved on a little since then.

And so apropos of nothing and having been asked by absolutely no one, I have compiled my own list of things that I would consider make a person posh (all in good humour, of course). I hope  you enjoy and feel free to add your own in the comments!

Playing an obscure musical instrument
The sort that you wouldn’t know how to draw because really, when pushed, you don’t know what it is. Includes the oboe, the piccolo, as well as anything that sounds like it isn’t from this century, e.g. ‘I play the fiddle!’
Does not include the bassoon because that sounds too ludicrous to be posh, sorry.

Lots of cousins

Posh people always have many cousins who they are weirdly close to and have strange nicknames for like ‘Daffy’ or ‘Minty’ or ‘Buster’  which they will claim are based on their cute childhood inability to pronounce their real names. They will also casually drop uncomfortable stories about them into conversation like ‘oh yes, we’re very close, Nanny bathed us together until we were fifteen,’ and you will just have to smile and nod and act like this is normal.

Red trousers
If you see a bloke across the pub and he is wearing red trousers, probably with a striped shirt tucked into them, you sort of know, don’t you, that he is called Tim and he has a slightly too loud voice and a trust fund and 2g of coke in his wallet.

Being called Cressida
If you are called Cressida, you are either posh, or a dog, or both.

Incomprehensible political opinions
I suppose it’s okay to claim that you don’t vote because you believe in the divine right of kings and you don’t recognise any legal monarch since James II due to ‘King John’s submission to Papal authority in 1213’ if you have private health insurance and your parents paid for you to go to Cambridge and you’ve never been on a bus.

Too many dogs
Posh people always have at least four large, mongrel-like dogs with Shakespearean names like Tybalt or Fabian. All of them look a bit war-torn, like one will be missing a leg, or a bit of an ear, and one will just drool everywhere constantly in a way you will find completely disgusting. The posh person will seemingly be oblivious to the fact that there is dog hair on every conceivable surface and that maybe having five Labradors was appropriate when they lived with Mummy in Canterbury but is slightly less hygienic when replicated in their new west London flat.

Don’t believe in central heating
Doesn’t matter how big or lavish their old Tudor apartments are, they will always be absolutely freezing because posh people are impervious to cold. And if you mention you are shivering they will just give you an old, moth-eaten jumper with holes in it and a boarding school name taped in the back.

No modern amenities
Posh people all own at least three large paintings featuring horses but never a Sky box or a properly functioning shower.

Strange expressions
This can vary from expressions you’ve literally never heard of – ‘A nod is as good as a wink to a blind badger!’ – to dropping obscure French phrases into their sentences, or worst of all, using ‘thee’ instead of you.

Don’t read Tatler
But then again – no one does.

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