26 things all Instagram bloggers do

I have such a love-hate relationship with Instagram. On the one hand, it's this lovely place filled with avocado on toast and nice outfits and hot chocolates with cream and girls who say 'Your hair looks gorgeous, hun,' and on the other hand it's all weird bots following and unfollowing you and commenting senseless things on your photos or asking you to buy their sunglasses, and Instagram refusing to show anyone a photo you edited for two hours, and people who clearly have veneers selling tooth whitening products.



Touching hair: check. Looking down: check. In sketch: check MATE.

But we can't live without it, can we? And on that basis I decided to write down the 26 things that I think all Instagrammers do. (Why 24? I don't know. I couldn't think of a 25th, basically).

Please do comment and let me know that I'm not alone/crazy - and let me know any I have missed.

Oh, the things we do for the gram...

I am 30 and I don't know where to shop

 A few days ago I stood in front of my wardrobe, stared blankly at the clothes looking back to me, and uttered those famous words:

‘I have NOTHING to wear.’

The difference between this time and every other occasion on which I’ve uttered that phrase (usually two glasses of white wine deep on a Saturday night, red in the face with every dress I own screwed up in a ball on the floor behind me) was that for once, it was true. I have just started a new job and I literally cannot seem to find a single thing to wear.

This seems to be occurring more and more - I just don’t know where to shop anymore. I cannot find a shop on the high street that caters for a working girl of 30 (and by working girl I mean a girl with a job, not a prostitute, which would actually be much simpler).

10 things that annoy ALL London commuters

The tube. It's great.

People from other cities will tell you all the time about how lucky you are to have such a great public transport system ('You don't even need a car!' - actually, you'd quite like a car, but you can't afford to park one...but that's another story, never mind), and deep down you are quite proud to be a London commuter. 

But...well, it's awful, isn't it? It's really awful. 

And so on this delightful Monday morning, I have decided to round up the ten things that annoy me most about commuting in London. Please feel free to let me know any I have missed!

1. The people who think it's really fun
The tube being rammed? Doesn't really annoy me.
Obviously it isn't ideal but it's a bit like being annoyed by, say, night time. There is no point in being annoyed about it; it just is. 
The people who think it's absolutely fascinating that the tube is rammed? Who discuss it loudly to each other, debate on why it might be ('Is the district line down? Maybe there's a football game on nearby?') who discuss other options they will never take  ('We could walk to Holborn? We could get an Uber to Clapham Junction?') and who sometimes -  these people are the worst of all - take a photograph, reaching up into the air to take a photo of what is basically just your daily grind?
That annoys me.
Bank in the morning? Always busy. Chancery Lane at 5pm? Always busy. Oxford Circus at any time of the day? Busy. The Northern Line, anywhere, at all times, even the middle of the night? It's ALWAYS BUSY.
And look, I'm really glad for you that you don't know that. I'm glad that instead of spending your morning staring blankly at the back of a man's suit so close up you can see the individual fibres, you are having a lovely relaxing time doing something more worthwhile - eating a hearty breakfast, maybe -  doing some yoga, hugging a puppy.
But please, do not make a spectacle out of my mediocre, painful existence by exclaiming loudly that you COULD NEVER DO THIS EVERY DAY and then proposing you walk the rest of the way 'to get some air.' I thank you.