Since I started blogging around two years ago (two years!
Crazy! This month has gone SO FAST, etc) I’ve become weirdly accustomed to some
very odd things which I think might seem odd to people in the real,
non-blogging world.
Things like…
1.
Bananas are super popular and you can make
anything out of them
Ice cream? Check. Pancakes? Obvs. Banana bread? Duh. Basically, if you can eat it, you can probably make it out of a banana, and then it will only contain 8 calories and your blogpost will get 18000 hits. Truth.
Ice cream? Check. Pancakes? Obvs. Banana bread? Duh. Basically, if you can eat it, you can probably make it out of a banana, and then it will only contain 8 calories and your blogpost will get 18000 hits. Truth.
2.
In an
ideal world all interior décor would be white
Like, maybe with a bit of baby pink or dove grey as a contrast, but what
you really want from a room is white wash floorboards and white walls and white
curtains and white furniture. It’s all white, alright, and nobody ever trails
mud through it or spills Ribena/red wine all over it, and you own no belongings
because they would just completely ruin the mood.
3.
Cath
Kidston is an interior genius
Okay but if it isn’t white, it should have a pastel
floral pattern, or pink and white spots. Yep, exactly like your Grandma used to
have. Yep, the kind of stuff you’d have been teased for owning when you were
10. Nope, seriously, it’s cool now.
![]() |
(Nan heaven right here) |
4.
You can
only serve food in heart shaped bowls or on wooden chopping boards etc
That crappy IKEA dinner set is NOT going to cut it,
OK? If it isn’t served in some kind of fancy dish, is it even food? If we’re
being fussy, you really need to put your Lucky Charms in their heart shaped
bowl onto a wooden table. If it’s a white washed wooden table, EVEN BETTER.
Never mind that you live in a tiny London flat, you must appear to live in a
huge country farmhouse at all times, preferably complete with chickens laying fresh eggs (which you will eat poached on avacodo toast OBVIOUSLY).
5.
London
nightlife is the only nightlife
OK, so you live in a huge country farmhouse with
chickens, but you also live IN LONDON because London is the only place to go
out worth blogging about. Restaurants in all other parts of the country are
totally pointless and nobody cares, so don’t you forget it. Unless you’re in
the Cotswolds, in which case a picture of your pub Sunday roast (prefs with
roaring fire in shot) is borderline acceptable, because you’re escaping London, right?
6.
Your lips
need to be better
About 95% of lipsticks reviewed on blogs will make
your lips look like ‘your lips, but better.’ Because your lips are disgusting,
okay? They need to be BETTER. Eurgh, get to MAC already.
7.
Food is
either ‘clean’ or ‘filthy’
Basically, you can either eat quinoa with six types
of kale and a weird vegan brownie made out of dates, or you can eat double
cheeseburgers with cheesy chips and a strawberry milkshake. There is no in
between. Your tuna and sweetcorn pasta is not welcome here. Oh, well, okay, as
it’s in a heart shaped bowl, you can Instagram it – but seriously, at least make the pasta out of courgette next time, I
mean, come on.
8.
Straws and
jam jars will never go out of style
Pink drink in jam jar with pink and white straw =
instant hits. You don’t know why you’re clicking on it – are you really going
to make a raspberry and watermelon smoothie? – but you can’t stop yourself.
9.
Fashion is
mostly kind of awful
OK, so most fashion bloggers look like a mixture of
Twiggy and Mila Kunis and so anything would look good on them, even a bin
bag…which is good, because is that actually what they’re wearing? Are
fashionable clothes just a way for models to say ‘look, I’ve tried to look
terrible, but I just can’t, because
I’m so stunning,’ or are all fashion designers borderline mentalists? Because
to me, flared sports trousers with weird lace up heels and a shearling jacket
does not an outfit make. Plus everything they wear is either insanely
unaffordable or only available if you live in California, so that’s useful.
10.
‘Sports-luxe’
is a thing
A thing that is said constantly whenever anyone is
wearing anything that makes you think ‘did they come straight from the gym?’
And you will read it far more often than you might reasonably expect.
11.
Pancakes
are important
Pancakes are like bananas. Big hits. You thought they
were just for pancake day? Are you some kind of cretin? You can put anything on
a pancake and it makes it cool. Sausages on a pancake? Cool. Ice cream?
AWESOME. Banana ice cream on banana pancakes? YOU’RE BLOWING MY MIND HERE. BTW,
banana pancakes taste EXACTLY like real pancakes – that is, provided you’ve
never eaten a real pancake in your life, and you think they taste like eggy
bananas.
12.
Packaging
matters more than products
Everybody knows Alexa Chung’s book was probably a bit
rubbish, but LOOK it’s pink and you can put a nail polish on it for a photo!
Ditto, everything from Soap & Glory and Benefit. Some of these things are
good, some of them are not, but who cares when they look so nice lined up on
your shelves?!
13.
Rose gold
jewellery is the only jewellery
When you were younger, you probably called this
‘bronze’, but somebody clever in marketing realised that sounded a bit rubbish
so now it’s ‘rose gold’ and it’s like, literally the best thing ever, because
it’s jewellery, and it’s a bit pink.
14.
Alcohol is
the devil
Weird thing about people’s blog lives: nobody seems
to get drunk. It’s the Zoella effect – everybody is wholesome and healthy and
seemingly spends their weekends cooking brownies and cuddling up under
blankets with puppies. Even though in reality, you’re spending Saturday night
in Wetherspoons drinking wine on tap, the most alcoholic thing that can venture
near your blog is maybe a glass of champagne on the table at a posh restaurant.
Or a jazzy cocktail because OBVIOUSLY. But god forbid you put up photographs of
you getting a bit messy, like, err, EVERYONE ELSE, because what is actually much better is pretending you’re a cross between a naïve ten year old and your Nan.
15.
Copper is
the new in thing
Like, a bowl, made out of copper. Or a hanging…thing,
made out of copper. You need it. No, I don’t know why. I don’t make the rules.
In your post about copper, you have to put a little bit about how you’re
‘suddenly all about copper,’ tactfully neglecting to mention that so is
absolutely everybody else.
16.
Macarons
Or macaroons. Nobody seems clear. Whatever they’re
called, you can’t escape them. They are beautiful. They also taste like wallpaper paste encased in
paper; like, exactly how you would imagine papier mache might taste if you
flavoured it with potpourri. So, enjoy that.
17.
Blogging
is mostly about blogging
’14 blog post ideas’; ‘How to attract readers to your
blog’; ‘What I didn’t know about blogging but wish I had.’ The whole thing
feeds itself, just bloggers writing about how to blog to bloggers who then
write more posts on how to blog and eventually the world will eat itself and
we’ll all be doomed, drowning in a sea of Cath Kidston quilts and rings in the
shape of bows and Olivia Burton watches and soothing bath products and fucking
pug puppies.
Okay, well…this list MIGHT not be entirely serious but give
it a try – when Benefit are sending you to the Maldives you'll thank me!
So funny!! My first ever post, which is my most clicked on post still, is a banana bread recipe!! And I now serve my cheese at my pop ups on heart shaped wooden chopping boards.... oh dear!!!
ReplyDeleteRosie xx
Hahaha we all do it! I am so much more likely to click on something if it's served in a heart shaped bowl...but why? Bloggers are a funny species x
DeleteAbsolutely love this!
ReplyDeleteThink the line that made me giggle most was 'pretending you’re a cross between a naïve ten year old and your Nan'
I need to buy me some heart shaped bowls!
Hahah thank you! x
DeleteThese are hilarious. Sports luxe is such a weird trend.
ReplyDeleteI hate that "your lips but better" saying.
Rubi | The Den | http://www.the-den.blogspot.com
I know! What does it even mean? Why do my lips need to be better?! Haha xxx
DeleteI don't know what you're talking about... as I sit here sipping from a floral straw in a jam jar, with a Jo Malone candle burning in the background... hahah no this post is SO true! - The drinking wine on tap from Spoons, yet pretending you're a health freak, made me laugh out loud!
ReplyDeleteOMG how did I neglect to mention candles?? They should've had their own section! Haha xxx
DeleteLovely post, thanks for sharing
ReplyDeleteCandice | Beauty Candy Loves
♥♥♥
This is a great post, really funny!
ReplyDeletewww.lifestylefunxion.blogspot.com
omg this is the funniest thing i've read all week! thank you for making me laugh and putting me in such a good mood!
ReplyDeleteThank yoooou! xxx
DeleteHaha, 14 is brilliant and definitely makes me feel better about the sloppy life I lead that definitely doesn't go on Instagram. It's not just me!
ReplyDeleteHaha, post 7 about food is BANG on, I never even realised that before... It's either one or the other, you never see a photo of a standard Wednesday night dinner consisting of chicken dippers, chips and beans. Haha love it xx
ReplyDeleteMissyRed.co.uk
LOL this is brilliant! Bananas for life!
ReplyDeleteBlogging should be personal and what you're into. Not what you think other people like. It's your own little hub in this big bad world wide web.
Jabeen x
http://www.spilling-the-beans.co.uk/
Haha this was awesome! Really brightened up my day xx
ReplyDeletewww.femmewithflair.com
This.is.hilarious! But not worry I still get drunk! Thank you for brightening up my day! Katie x
ReplyDeletewww.katiejaneonline.com
One of the best posts I've seen in a while! You've hit the nail on the head and I laughed so much, despite the fact I'm sat here with my rose gold watch eating a banana...
ReplyDeleteNathalie @ www.love-nathalie.com
Haha great post! And you got it right, it's 'macarons' :)
ReplyDeleteThe Latest. Beauty & Colour
The Zoella effect ahahah, I've always wondered why people avoid mentioning drinking on their blogs. Really enjoyed reading this, made me laugh!
ReplyDeleteThe Velvet Black // UK Style & Beauty Blog
omg this is hilarious loved it .
ReplyDeletewww.rumelatheshopaholic.blogspot.com
Literally howled at this post, you've basically summed up all of my thoughts in one post!
ReplyDeletelove jen | jennifer's journal x
this is funny, love how you mentioned the all white decor - would certainly be ideal!
ReplyDeletexx danielle shades of danielle
This is hilarious, and sadly true hahah!
ReplyDeleteAlexis @ thelittlebrunette.com
This really made me laugh!!! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteYou know that last one-so true!!! When I get the Bloglovin weekly email, all the most 'popular' posts are 16 ways to...20 things you should, 10somethings....
Nice to meet you!!x
So funny, yet so true haha! Loved it, you did a wonderful job writing this all down ;) xo Naomi in Wonderland
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely hilarious. I guess I will buy an all white apartment in London and rent it to bloggers for taking pictures. Bananas provided!
ReplyDeleteLindaLibraLoca: Beauty, Baby and Backpacking
Hahaha this is quite true... especially loved what you described as the Zoella effect!
ReplyDeleteSamantha Series
omg laughed about the rose gold jewellery, loved reading this post !
ReplyDeletelisa | lisaxbeauty
I loved 17. So true! And it is my pet hate, too. :)
ReplyDeleteHahaha spot on! I am not even a blogger but I am a fervent blog reader and I recognize each and every thing of your list. I feel kind of indoctrinated though. Did I like jars, straws and white interiors before I read those blogs or because of those blogs? *aaaaahh*
ReplyDeleteYou absolutely killed it here haha, had me in stitches. Perfect. I followed!
ReplyDeleteShannon Rebecca | Blogger & YouTuber <3
So beautiful and interesting post! Like your blog and the way you write!
ReplyDeleteI’ll be happy to see you in my blog!)
Diana Cloudlet
http://www.dianacloudlet.com/
Hah I agree that packaging is really important. Love the things you listed. Great post.
ReplyDeleteLEJA
Hahahaha I love this!! So funny and yet so true!!
ReplyDeletexx Heidi
http://heidis1haven.blogspot.com/
Hahah you're amazing! I LOVE macarons by the way :D
ReplyDeletewww.randomstein.com