Since I started blogging around two years ago (two years!
Crazy! This month has gone SO FAST, etc) I’ve become weirdly accustomed to some
very odd things which I think might seem odd to people in the real,
non-blogging world.
Things like…
1.
Bananas are super popular and you can make
anything out of them
Ice cream? Check. Pancakes? Obvs. Banana bread? Duh. Basically, if you can eat it, you can probably make it out of
a banana, and then it will only contain 8 calories and your blogpost will get
18000 hits. Truth.
2.
In an
ideal world all interior décor would be white
Like, maybe with a bit of baby pink or dove grey as a contrast, but what
you really want from a room is white wash floorboards and white walls and white
curtains and white furniture. It’s all white, alright, and nobody ever trails
mud through it or spills Ribena/red wine all over it, and you own no belongings
because they would just completely ruin the mood.
3.
Cath
Kidston is an interior genius
Okay but if it isn’t white, it should have a pastel
floral pattern, or pink and white spots. Yep, exactly like your Grandma used to
have. Yep, the kind of stuff you’d have been teased for owning when you were
10. Nope, seriously, it’s cool now.
 |
(Nan heaven right here) |
4.
You can
only serve food in heart shaped bowls or on wooden chopping boards etc
That crappy IKEA dinner set is NOT going to cut it,
OK? If it isn’t served in some kind of fancy dish, is it even food? If we’re
being fussy, you really need to put your Lucky Charms in their heart shaped
bowl onto a wooden table. If it’s a white washed wooden table, EVEN BETTER.
Never mind that you live in a tiny London flat, you must appear to live in a
huge country farmhouse at all times, preferably complete with chickens laying fresh eggs (which you will eat poached on avacodo toast OBVIOUSLY).
5.
London
nightlife is the only nightlife
OK, so you live in a huge country farmhouse with
chickens, but you also live IN LONDON because London is the only place to go
out worth blogging about. Restaurants in all other parts of the country are
totally pointless and nobody cares, so don’t you forget it. Unless you’re in
the Cotswolds, in which case a picture of your pub Sunday roast (prefs with
roaring fire in shot) is borderline acceptable, because you’re escaping London, right?
6.
Your lips
need to be better
About 95% of lipsticks reviewed on blogs will make
your lips look like ‘your lips, but better.’ Because your lips are disgusting,
okay? They need to be BETTER. Eurgh, get to MAC already.
7.
Food is
either ‘clean’ or ‘filthy’
Basically, you can either eat quinoa with six types
of kale and a weird vegan brownie made out of dates, or you can eat double
cheeseburgers with cheesy chips and a strawberry milkshake. There is no in
between. Your tuna and sweetcorn pasta is not welcome here. Oh, well, okay, as
it’s in a heart shaped bowl, you can Instagram it – but seriously, at least make the pasta out of courgette next time, I
mean, come on.
8.
Straws and
jam jars will never go out of style
Pink drink in jam jar with pink and white straw =
instant hits. You don’t know why you’re clicking on it – are you really going
to make a raspberry and watermelon smoothie? – but you can’t stop yourself.
9.
Fashion is
mostly kind of awful
OK, so most fashion bloggers look like a mixture of
Twiggy and Mila Kunis and so anything would look good on them, even a bin
bag…which is good, because is that actually what they’re wearing? Are
fashionable clothes just a way for models to say ‘look, I’ve tried to look
terrible, but I just can’t, because
I’m so stunning,’ or are all fashion designers borderline mentalists? Because
to me, flared sports trousers with weird lace up heels and a shearling jacket
does not an outfit make. Plus everything they wear is either insanely
unaffordable or only available if you live in California, so that’s useful.
10.
‘Sports-luxe’
is a thing
A thing that is said constantly whenever anyone is
wearing anything that makes you think ‘did they come straight from the gym?’
And you will read it far more often than you might reasonably expect.
11.
Pancakes
are important
Pancakes are like bananas. Big hits. You thought they
were just for pancake day? Are you some kind of cretin? You can put anything on
a pancake and it makes it cool. Sausages on a pancake? Cool. Ice cream?
AWESOME. Banana ice cream on banana pancakes? YOU’RE BLOWING MY MIND HERE. BTW,
banana pancakes taste EXACTLY like real pancakes – that is, provided you’ve
never eaten a real pancake in your life, and you think they taste like eggy
bananas.
12.
Packaging
matters more than products
Everybody knows Alexa Chung’s book was probably a bit
rubbish, but LOOK it’s pink and you can put a nail polish on it for a photo!
Ditto, everything from Soap & Glory and Benefit. Some of these things are
good, some of them are not, but who cares when they look so nice lined up on
your shelves?!
13.
Rose gold
jewellery is the only jewellery
When you were younger, you probably called this
‘bronze’, but somebody clever in marketing realised that sounded a bit rubbish
so now it’s ‘rose gold’ and it’s like, literally the best thing ever, because
it’s jewellery, and it’s a bit pink.
14.
Alcohol is
the devil
Weird thing about people’s blog lives: nobody seems
to get drunk. It’s the Zoella effect – everybody is wholesome and healthy and
seemingly spends their weekends cooking brownies and cuddling up under
blankets with puppies. Even though in reality, you’re spending Saturday night
in Wetherspoons drinking wine on tap, the most alcoholic thing that can venture
near your blog is maybe a glass of champagne on the table at a posh restaurant.
Or a jazzy cocktail because OBVIOUSLY. But god forbid you put up photographs of
you getting a bit messy, like, err, EVERYONE ELSE, because what is actually much better is pretending you’re a cross between a naïve ten year old and your Nan.
15.
Copper is
the new in thing
Like, a bowl, made out of copper. Or a hanging…thing,
made out of copper. You need it. No, I don’t know why. I don’t make the rules.
In your post about copper, you have to put a little bit about how you’re
‘suddenly all about copper,’ tactfully neglecting to mention that so is
absolutely everybody else.
16.
Macarons
Or macaroons. Nobody seems clear. Whatever they’re
called, you can’t escape them. They are beautiful. They also taste like wallpaper paste encased in
paper; like, exactly how you would imagine papier mache might taste if you
flavoured it with potpourri. So, enjoy that.
17.
Blogging
is mostly about blogging
’14 blog post ideas’; ‘How to attract readers to your
blog’; ‘What I didn’t know about blogging but wish I had.’ The whole thing
feeds itself, just bloggers writing about how to blog to bloggers who then
write more posts on how to blog and eventually the world will eat itself and
we’ll all be doomed, drowning in a sea of Cath Kidston quilts and rings in the
shape of bows and Olivia Burton watches and soothing bath products and fucking
pug puppies.
Okay, well…this list MIGHT not be entirely serious but give
it a try – when Benefit are sending you to the Maldives you'll thank me!